What She Means

In spite of being of the same breed, I sometimes find it difficult to decode what a woman truly means when she says something (I mean this generally about women, and no one in specific). Perhaps I have way too much Y-chromosomes.

I’ve compiled a list of underlying truths behind each commonly uttered phrase from women I’ve come across from my little black book. For the sake of clueless lesbians and men alike, please do feel free to add on.

1. It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

2. These heels are a pain to walk in = I need you to get me my 25th pair of Jimmy Choos

3. Don’t you think she’s pretty? = She’s such a slut, you better stop staring

4. (at 2am) Are you sleeping? = Wake up asshole, I can’t sleep and I want to talk about our relationship

5. We need = I want

6. I’m not upset = If you even need to ask me, you’re one bloody insensitive pig!

7. Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to

8. Baby, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

9. I’ll be ready in 5 minutes = Go meet your boys for a drink, I’ll call you when I’m ready in 2 hours’ time

10. Do you love me? = Who is that person you’ve been texting all night? OR I just saw a Gucci tote bag I really like

11. How much do you love me? = I did something yesterday you’re not going to like OR Surely if you love me enough, you’re buy me that Gucci tote bag I really like

11. You need to learn to communicate with me = Just agree with me and shut up

12. Are you listening to me?! = This relationship is over

13. I’m NOT your mother = You’re supposed to be the one taking care of me, and by the way, I really dislike your mother

14. What do you think of this Bottega Veneta bag? = You have better be getting this bag for me within 48 hours

15. What do you think of my friend, (insert name of best friend here)? = My friend told me you were shamelessly flirting with her

16. Yes = Yes, for now

17. No = No

18. Maybe = No

19. Wow, you’re really well dressed today = Gawd, you’re suffering from mid-life crisis OR Hmm. I think my mum’s right. You’re a closeted gay man.

20. Baby, am I fat? = Whatever your answer is, you’re fucked.


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