Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis
All things change, and we change with them.
It has been merely four months since we separated. What started as a meek smile, betrayed by eyes that glistened with heavy drops of sorrow, is now replaced with a genuine smile of contentment, and eyes that reflect hope.
My rapid recovery from the breakup has unfortunately leaded to herds of skepticism.
Are you sure you’re ok?
You must have not loved her in the first place.
While tempted, I chose not to throw a punch on the owner of the second statement. It wasn’t worthwhile, and more importantly, I owe no one but myself an explanation.
I have learned a lot about and for myself, since her departure. She was the witness of my life for 4 years. She was my emotional pillar of support. I depended heavily on her. Along the way progressing up the corporate ladder, I was so preoccupied in fulfilling my own needs, I neglected hers completely. The truth is, I did not deserve her.
The first couple of weeks after the breakup was the hardest part; time passed so slowly, like blades gliding against my shivering skin, causing me to bleed from inside. I lost my appetite – a big deal really, given my usual food consumption level – and was nearly put on drip. I feared being alone each night, and ended up having Johnnie Walker for company. Like I said, the first couple of weeks was the hardest part.
The emotional lessons I’ve taught myself in this solitary journey could not have been possible without feeling pain of this degree. I could choose to adapt to the change, or continue to live in the past. I chose the former. I did love her, but I realized I didn’t want to let her go because I loved myself more. I was unwilling to get out of my comfort zone. For the priceless lessons I’ve learned, I have only the breakup to thank.
Perhaps that is why I’m able to love someone so unconditionally right now. Love is not about ownership. Love is when you are willing to subject yourself to the purest of pain, in exchange for the happiness you feel together with that person as one.
A few couples I know have most recently broke up with their partners this year. I do sympathize with them but I don’t necessarily feel sorry for them at all. Pain is inevitable when there is love. What doesn’t break you, make you stronger.
Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.
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- July 9, 2007 / 1:56 am