Marketing Plan for YOU™

It seems odd to me when a fellow Ad person tells me he or she is unable to “sell himself/ herself” in an interview. Also, I find it inexcusable for one, who makes a living from creating desired needs (aka Wants) in a market, to say that he or she “can’t find a date because I (sic) am lousy at picking people up,”.

How on earth do you convince your clients that you’re the right person to market and consequently sell their products, if you can’t even sell yourself well enough to get a job in the agency they hired?

It’s different, I hear you say. Well, I beg to differ. You are your own Product. You are your own Marketer. If you can’t sell the product you best know amongst all the products in your portfolio, then I bet you suck in your day job. Not convinced? Here, let me cite you a few examples.

You put on your most expensive tailored-made Ermenegildo Zegna shirt alongside with black leather Prada dress shoes that are so polished, they serve as a mirror as well – that is called PACKAGING.

You decide to learn German, so as to make yourself communicate better with your German clients – that is called PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT.

You decide to pick up yoga, because you overheard someone say there are plenty of jaw-dropping-Lucy-Liu-lookalikes who are into yoga – that is called MARKET EXPANSION.

You feel jaded after a decade of working and question what the hell have you been doing with your life all these years – well, that tells you it is the end of your PRODUCT CYCLE.

See? Your life is just like a marketing plan, except unfortunately (or fortunately) for most of us, we don’t deem ourselves as Products simply because we have emotions. Contrary to belief, I don’t reckon marketing ourselves like Products equate to lying. The fact is, consumers will not purchase a product if it doesn’t work. Ok fine, so perhaps we can convince them to trial the product even if it’s a piece of shit. But that’s when CUSTOMER RETENTION comes in. For how long can you retain your customer? One night? Hardly worth it, don’t you think?

For all my 300-plus-unique-visitors-a-day (yeah yeah yeah, let me brag a bit, can?), please let me share with you the only bloody useful thing I’ve learned in school, second only to American Pool – the Marketing Plan for YOU™. For the sake of this template, let’s focus on PICKING UP MEN/ WOMEN.

Marketing Plan for [insert name here]
Before we begin, please kindly note that the marketing plan template as mentioned below DOES NOT serve as a foolproof guide in getting laid and should not be taken seriously. Hell, I won’t be arsed to use it too, given how adamant I am towards being true to myself (trust me, if you know me personally, you’d realize how carelessly transparent I am by nature). Also, just in case some idiot thinks this is an actual marketing plan template, please note that I’ve omitted the following content due to its irrelevance to our topic:

a. Executive Summary – Doesn’t make sense unless you plan to sell yourself to an angel investor / venture capitalist.

b. Market Trends – Simply because everyone is consistently inconsistent.

c. Marketing Mix, Pricing – See Point (a).

d. Financials, Budgets and Forecasts – I don’t know how to do a break-even analysis or churn out a contribution margin figure for this.

e. Controls – Like I said, this marketing plan template should not be taken too seriously.

Alright, here goes:

1 Situation Analysis

1.1 Market Summary
1.1.1 Target Markets
Primary Target Audience: What cluster of men or women do you most want to attract? The eccentric copywriter? The calculative businessman? The primitive Ah Beng?

Secondary Target Audience: In your quest to attract the primary target audience, who else do you want to attract? The copywriter’s partner (art director)? The businessman’s best friend? The Ah Beng’s brudder?

1.1.2 Market Demographics
What does your target audience like to do? Does he or she drink x amount of times per week at a particular bar? Does he or she have a scary potential mother-in-law to be wary of? Who are his or her buddies?

1.1.3 Market Needs
Listen. You need to listen attentively to know what he or she needs. Stop yakking. Listen. Looking like you’re listening does not count.

1.2 SWOT Analysis
1.2.1 Strengths

Attributes you have that you feel would attract him or her. Having a nett worth of USD2,000,000, for example.

1.2.2 Weaknesses
Attributes you have that will turn him or her off. Picking your nose in public, for example.

1.2.3 Opportunities
Areas in you that allow your strengths to be demonstrated to him or her. Buying him or her a A. Lange & Söhne watch, for example.

1.2.4 Threats
Negative situations caused by your weaknesses. He or she might not like you picking your nose in public, for example.

1.3 Competition
Whoever else he or she might be attracting or be attracted to. If your target audience is Angelina Jolie, then well, tough luck.

1.4 Product Offering
What can you offer him or her that will greatly affect the buying decision process?

1.5 Keys to Success
Greatly linked to 1.1.3 Market Needs, you will need to figure out what are the action steps that will best lead him or her to you. I told you to listen, didn’t I?

1.6 Critical Issues
What is it about him or her that you might need to take note of (don’t assume your target audience is flawless)? Are you willing to forgo the issues?

1.7 Macroenvironment
1.7.1 Physical

Your physique. The ability to last more than the national standard. It matters.

1.7.2 Economical
If you earn a thousand bucks a month, and your competition earns 10 times more, you may be in trouble.

1.7.3 Social
What’s the best way of describing this? Ok, as superficial as it sounds, if I cannot imagine the person getting along with my close friends (i.e. a little young punk clad in Von Dutch clothes), I won’t even waste my time with him or her.

1.7.4 Technological
It varies from people to people, but I don’t think I would appreciate someone who thinks sending e-roses romantic.

2 Marketing Strategy

2.1 Marketing Objectives
Measurable results over a specific period of time. For example: I want to date 10 girls over a period of 1 month.

2.2 Target Marketing
Where do you go to market yourself to your target audience? This is a very important point never to be taken lightly. I mean, if you’re a straight man, I promise you you shouldn’t be spending your Friday night at :play thinking you’d get lucky.

2.3 Positioning
Apart from the obvious sexual innuendo, ask yourself how do you want position yourself in order to attract your target audience. If he or she fancies cult brands like True Religion, do not talk mainstream like Giordarno.

2.4 Marketing Mix
2.4.1 Product

You, you, and you. If you’re not a good product, no amount of marketing can help you. You can have Al Ries as your marketer and you’d still be left on the shelf. Go fix yourself before you sell yourself.

2.4.2 Place
Do not bring him or her to McDonald’s on your first date. Ever. Yup, happened to someone I know.

2.4.3 Promotion

He or she will not be aware of your existence if you do not promote yourself. On the other hand, there is a reason why consumers trust editorial content (aka PR) more than do with advertising. Do it, but don’t over do it.

2.4.4 Packaging
What you wear matters, but don’t lose your identity and end up looking like him or her, or he or se would look like they’re masturbating when you’re having sex.

I’m sorry this article turned out to be such a drag. I shouldn’t have taken that large cup of Americano, really. Opps.


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