In-credible Torture

3 weeks ago, I was required to draft my personal credentials for this pitch I was involved in. 4 years of my advertising career downsized into a paragraph less than 100 words that took me almost 3 whooping hours to complete. Pathetic, coming from a person who fires out politically correct whothefuckdoyouthinkyouare emails drenched in sarcasm in 10 minutes flat.

I have to write another description about myself again, this time for my upcoming humble stint at Toca Me (thank you Ron, Jerm, Ling, Sylvia and Irene!), and I shudder to think of the struggle I would face to string words about myself into a decent paragraph without cringing. Thank god only 50 words are required.

By and large, I am a confident person, to a point of being arrogant. I acknowledge my worth, capabilities, perceived market value, and I milk them for future investments. There is a distinct difference between being humble, and faking modesty. The act of the latter irks me to the bone. It’s one particular Asian cultural behavior I never quite understand, and I don’t intend to. If you’re good at something, why bloody pretend not to be? Is that not deceit to a certain degree? I personally find such treatment an insult to my intelligence.

With turbo-charged confidence and a broken brake pedal, you would expect a vision of self-integument Pat happily typing away 20 versions of personal profiles and possibly even getting them translated into 4 major languages.

Except that here I am, having a major writer’s block, and trying so hard not to cringe myself to death.

They should fucking get me a copywriter to do this.

Why is it so damn hard for me to indulge in arguably, the most narcissistic act known to men (apart trade marking your name, that is)? Maybe it’s because I feel its ridiculous writing about it as opposed to demonstrating it. Hmm. Or maybe I’m just not as confident I think I am.

On the contrary, I have no problems describing my personality to people. My generous 6-paragraphs self-penned profile should ascertain to that. The purpose of employees’ credentials in a typical pitch document is to fortify a wall of assurance and confidence from the prospective client. With the objective set in place, employees’ credentials are decorated with excessive but necessary ornaments, wrapped up in exquisite premium packaging. The content may be truthful, but you’ll be naïve to think there wasn’t any marketing formula applied to it. Here’s an example:

  • Before
    Pat worked on many brands, both local and global, and has most recently joined the agency.
  • After
    A new addition to our growing family, Pat brings with her good experience on luxury brand management to the brand. Having worked on global luxury brands in alcohol, car and skincare industries, Pat understands the mechanisms behind marketing a super premium brand.

*cringes*

If only you can see my frowning eyebrows right now. I wish we could just tell the client the following:

Listen, this team we give you is good. Confirm. Promise. Really, never bluff you. Don’t want? Ok lah, nevermind. See you. And hey, can you return us the pitch materials? You know lah, we can recycle when we pitch to your competitor the next time instead.


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