Bloody Hell

Period. That irksome reminder that comes once a month, sometimes twice, which reaffirms God’s gender biasness. Why the hell are we women the ones who hold the eggs? Why are we the ones who need to ovulate every month while men get to shoot a million sperm like a Super Soaker gun? Why do they get all the fun huh? I guess that’s why they have to do National Service in Singapore to justify the inequality.

Menstruation is particularly cruel on a lesbian, don’t you think? What was God thinking? First, he creates lesbians with a disability to love cocks, then he/ she decides that they should have the ability to get pregnant anyway. What does he/ she expects anyway? Finger babies?

As you can probably tell by now, I’m not exactly in the best of moods. This is not an excuse. It’s a fact. Menstruation causes a woman’s hormones to go haywire. They get moody. They get irritable over the slightest things.

Like that stupid lady hitting the elevator button repeatedly.

The elevator isn’t going come down any faster just because you keep hitting the button! What are you? Fucking stupid? I felt the urge to scream at that peabrain. She should thank her lucky stars that I was not quite in the right state to pick a fight with her. I was having severe cramps and all that bleeding was draining my energy out.

Now that I’m bleeding less, and my energy’s almost back to full speed, I thought I should indulge in a little bitching. What are the things that annoy you? I’d probably need a year to share mine with you, but here’s a modest 5 for a start. Says who I’m not kind?

1. Fat people sitting next to me on the train
Have you encountered thigh burns no thanks to the fat person generating such 40º C degrees heat sitting next to you? Look, I don’t give a damn about you being fat, but I do mind having your corpulent, sizzling thighs rubbing against mine ok? I didn’t pay for my train ride to ask for my thighs to be cooked well done along the way. If you’re fat, and you occupy beyond one seat, then seriously, I think you should stand.

This statement of course, is not applicable to the elderly, handicapped (being obese does not make you handicapped by the way) and pregnant (being pregnant and fat damn poor thing, I understand).

2. Hi M’am, do you need a cab now?
No, I called you for fun. Phone operators should really change the opening line in the script.

3. Fake accents that make my pubes stand
Yes, so ¼ of us are foreigners. Yes, so we have a myriad of American and British TV channels on cable. Yes, we are a really cosmopolitan country who even needs an annual campaign to promote the importance of speaking good English. Then again, I think we’ve gotten so good with that campaign we now have to promote speaking good Chinese so as to balance it off a little.

Anyway.

I have absolutely no issues with a local co-switching his or her accent when speaking to a foreigner. Then again, truth be told, we tend to co-switch our accents according to the recipient’s skin pigmentation, don’t we? I don’t see any of us attempting to sound like an American whilst ordering the Bangladesh cleaner to clean our table at the food court! He’s lucky if we even talk to him in the first place.

The point is, unless you can pull off the fake accent both convincingly, and consistently, please, for crying out loud, don’t make a bloody fool of yourself. Do you have any idea how awful you sound when you say “I donch no wat you saying.”? Master your English before you put on that bloody accent.

Then you can start cooking up a story about where you got your accent from.

4. Pick-up lines
First of all, if you even need to use one, it’s sad. Secondly, “Can I get your number?” has expired since 1960s. Thirdly, sending your friend over to get a lady’s number is cowardice at its highest order.

5. Bad customer service
I should write a separate article on this, considering how particular I am about good customer service. I was waiting tables at the tender age of 14, and had 3 jobs in the F&B industry so don’t even assume I don’t know how it feels to be on the other side of the fence. I know.

It is not in the inherent nature of Singaporeans to be polite. Instead of “May I please have a plate of chicken rice?”, we say “Chicken rice, no breast meat.” It gets demoralizing, no doubt. I used to pour a little sarcasm on each customer who fails to say ‘thank you’ with a ‘You’re welcome’ acknowledgement of order. One idiot even said “But I didn’t say ‘thank you’”. I replied. “It’s ok. I prefer to be polite.”

Broadly speaking, Singaporeans do make bad customers. But so long as I’m the customer paying that 10% service charge, I do expect service that actually exists. I had a few run-ins with bad service staff, but let’s leave that for another day.

So, what are the things that annoy you?


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