Hello Straight Man

Yeah you, the one in the sleek Paul Smith shirt complaining about how drinks are so expensive in Singapore. Consider your luck that I’m talking to you. Didn’t catch my name? Well that’s because I didn’t give it to you, idiot.

Can I give you a ring sometime?

Or so I hear you ask. Thought you already gave that to your wife? You know, the same lady who irons your Paul Smith shirt? Well in any case, I’m gay, I like girls mostly, and almost exclusively.

That makes the both of us!

Ok, nice try, but with a face like yours, you need to work a lot harder. Damn, how the hell did I make you more interested in talking to me anyway? I don’t mean to break your heart, but your cock is not the cure for my lesbianism.

You can’t fuck without a guy, you know?

Baby, let me put it nicely to you, ok? Women lie about their weight, you know that right? Lifewise, women know men lie about their length too. I have 8 fingers that swirl any direction I want. Can your cock do the same?

But you don’t have a cock!

Oh actually I do. In assorted colors and sizes. The only difference is that mine doesn’t come connected with an ugly face that talks.

So you hate men, don’t you?

Oh dear, you must be one of those poor men who unfortunately constantly get stared at by grumpy fat butches in the trains, aren’t you? I do sympathize with you, really. Don’t get too affected by those fat butches ok? You see the ridiculously pretty but blind feminine girlfriends they hold on so tightly to? They’re just afraid their girlfriends would choose your big balls over their chubby fingers. You only have yourself to blame for opening your legs that big sitting in the train. Next time, stand by a corner.

I don’t hate men, in fact, I love them. I get along better with men than women actually. The women, well, it gets tough because they actually do form sentences in a conversation. Sentences that somehow have no punctuation or ending. And they like to talk while you’re watching TV. Irritating, isn’t it?

So you never fuck a guy before?

Of course I have, just not you. Come and think about it, if all guys look like you, I’d think there would be more newly converted lesbians in Singapore. Oh, so you don’t mind seeing more lesbians in Singapore so long as they are feminine looking, pretty faces and tits and such, eh? How typical. Gay men freak you out? A little sad that the faggot you’re calling has a far more muscular body than you, ain’t it? Yeah, so he looks gay wearing a t-shirt so tight. At least he looks good. The t-shirt would probably roll up itself off your beer gut if you wear it.

But what happened? Some guy dumped you? Why turn gay?

Hmm. Maybe there’s some truth in that. When I see guys like you, I cannot imagine being straight. Unless you are Hugh Jackman.

Sorry, I wasn’t listening to you. Too distracted by your tits. Anyway, can I watch you and your girlfriend?

Is your name Hugh Jackman?

Disclaimer: The conversation above is a compilation of actual questions I’ve encountered from various straight men. So are my answers.


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