The HARD Truth


No, darling, this isn’t P.Diddy’s latest fashion accessory (then again, who knows?). Meet FU*K LIMITED, a new limited edition design for Jimmyjane’s little something range of vibrators. Jimmyjane and CITIZEN:Citizen collaborated to create this gorgeous permanently-hard-and-don’t-snore schlong that is available in both 24k gold and stainless steel.

Can you imagine the following conversation:

Vagina 1: Oh god, the dick inside me last night felt so good! Ohhh, I felt like I struck gold!

Vagina 2: Big deal. I had real gold in me. And his brother joined in too, and trust me, he was made of steel.

I believe that all women, straight or gay, should have at least one vibrator on hand (note to stupid people: I don’t mean literally). Historically, the electric vibrator was invented after the toaster and before the electric vacuum cleaner in 1906. While the actual inventor remains debatable even to present day, we know for a fact that women’s pleasure was deemed more important than a clean house, right after breakfast, of course. Never exercise on an empty stomach, right?

Regrettably, back in those days where women could tie plaits with their armpit hair, the vibrator was used as a labor-saving device to aid doctors in providing “hysterical paroxysm”, known to us as an orgasm, to (get this) combat hysteria.

So let me get this straight; if a woman goes hysterical because she catches her boyfriend fucking another girl in bed, the medically-proven solution in calming her down is to fuck her as well until she comes? Wow. Now why didn’t I go into med school instead?

Anyway, back to my advocating on the importance of a vibrator for a woman. Here are 10 decent reasons why:

1. Any size you want.

2. Any color you want.

3. Doesn’t stop until you come.

4. Doesn’t snore after you come.

5. Doesn’t squirt a million nasty, sticky, youknowwhat.

6. You can pick your nose, watch TV, talk on the phone with your girlfriend about shopping, and use it hassle-free!

7. Cures headaches! Massage your head with it!

8. Have you met the Rabbit?

9. No morning pills required.

10. Always hard.

FU*K LIMITED cost USD375 and USD275 each for the 24k gold and stainless steel variant respectively, and has a limited quantity of 500 units each. Ok, here comes the princess-y moment:

I want one 24k gold vibrator for my birthday – in 8 months and 6 days’ time, so save up NOW! It’d cost you only USD1.50 a day until my birthday! That’s not a lot of money to give your beloved friend Pat eternal happiness that throbs from within (I’m sorry, I can’t help the pun)! I’ll provide my own batteries! Fill me up with gold!

I cannot believe I just said that, but I did. What can I say, I honestly do want a gold, dancing dick. And like the rest of my toys, I will bless it with a name. I think I’d call it Alexander.


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