A fellow carpet-muncher friend of mine sought my divine lesbian knowledge yesterday afternoon. She demanded an explanation for how this particular contestant for the local annual Butch Hunt competition could even qualify as a butch. I nearly choked on my coffee when I saw her profile.

Never call yourself Calvin unless your last name’s Klein (even so, he’s a tad passé by now), or you have a sidekick called Hobbes (also, defunct by now). I sincerely empathize with those born with dreadful Chinese names like Tua Lan Pa (big balls in Hokkien), who are therefore obliged by social pressure to find replacements with English names.

While I cannot extend my full comprehension, I accept that broadly speaking, butches often take on male names as well. Still, of all bloody names available… Calvin? As though it cannot get any worse, I discovered another called Mervix. Did she want it to rhyme with cervix? Or so my evil twin Midnight questioned. Oh by the way, Mervix describes herself as scary. Why, judging from the mug shots, you don’t say.

Perhaps, now in my fourth paragraph of bitching, I should elucidate that I have nothing against butches at all. I just think that butches should at very least, look a little more masculine (and attractive, for crying out loud) before they think they deserve any applause for strutting their rubber cocks on stage. And please don’t give me the “it doesn’t matter how manly a butch looks on the outside, what matters is how she feels on the inside” shit. What would you say if Jessica Alba tells you she is a butch because she feels like one?

I should invite one of my ohsocute butch friends from Toca Me to come on my blog to provide the emo-generation baby butches advice on what it takes to be a mmmm and not urghhh butch. Soon, perhaps. But for now, you’d have to settle for the advice of a former ex-girlfriend of a butch.

1. So what should you call yourself?
Don’t go for an overly masculine name like Clive unless you can really pull that one off (no darling, so long as you have tits, you CAN’T). Don’t go for Josh and Shane because 50% of the emo-generation baby butches have already claimed ownership over those names. Don’t get over-creative and call yourself Raven because you’re not a bird, and you don’t have one.

Do pick a name that is more unisexual like Sam (for Samuel and Samantha) or Chris (for Christopher and Christine). Just don’t pick Pat simply because you are unlikely to have a genuine last name as sexy as mine. And for those butches who are self-assured enough to keep to their original names their parents gave them, I’ll buy you a round of beer the next time I see you.

2. What should you wear?
All newly recruited butches should subscribe to at least a year’s supply of GQ. Most of them are so pre-occupied trying to look like a man, they don’t realize there’s a difference between looking like George Clooney, as opposed to Michael Moore. Come and think about it, a good majority of them end up looking like Michael Moore. Especially the lesbian lawyers who used to work in that particular law firm.

If you’re midget-size, don’t wear an extra-large striped polo shirt or you’ll just look like a mini complimentary bread roll served at Lawry’s.

If you’re fat and stumpy, don’t wear that Ralph Lauren polo t-shirt with the oversized logo. You don’t need to remind your feminine girlfriend that you have bigger boobs. Also, avoid exposing your legs with bermudas. You don’t want them craving for pig trotters.

If you’re tall, you’re really lucky. Just about anything goes, really. Just do not join da hood by wearing fake Energie jeans and waytoomuch bling-blings. You’re not 50 Cent. Asians cannot rap. Not in English anyway.

3. Your hair. Your mojo.
Your crowning glory’s the most important asset in being a butch. Take really good care of this one. The length of your hair sets off gaydar from a continent away. I’m proud to say that most butches I’ve seen have fairly attractive hairdos. Just try not to emulate Beckham all the time. Or Shane from The L Word. Sian lah.

Ooohh, I can only imagine the amount of hate mail coming my way with this entry. Bring it on.

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