Compulsory Stupidity

At the vanguard of both traditional and non-traditional advertising, it almost seems compulsory that stupidity must exist amongst agencies and clients. What are the stupidest comments you have heard in your advertising/ marketing career?

Here’s some to get the ball rolling. Please note that the comments are in no order of importance or preference.

01
So if you develop the eDM, will it be in Full Color? If it takes too much time, Spot Color will do.

Client to Art Director about the development of an email direct mailer.

02
Can you show the back of the yacht?

Client to Account Manager about featuring the back of a yacht using an existing photograph that shows the side profile of the yacht for a property ad.

03
Can you do PowerPoint?

Account Executive to Art Director, trying to convince the latter to help do his job.

04
I don’t care. I want a colored fax.

Client to Executive Creative Director, insisting the Agency also create technological breakthroughs.

05
What button do you press to stop your keyboard from eating up your words when you type?

Boss to Account Manager

06
Can you make it on time?

Media Buyer to Account Executive, enquiring if the latter is able to submit ad materials in the next hour from the time the last-minute media space was booked.

07
Please change the word “ILLUMINATE” to “RADIANT” because the first 3 letters in “ILLUMINATE” looks like 3 joss sticks. It’s bad luck.

Client to Account Executive debating over a headline for a Beauty ad.

08
You need to crystallize the copy further. I need it very crystallized.

Client to Senior Account Executive over a 2-sentence copy.

09
I love all your ads. How much does it cost to run one?

Potential Client to Executive Creative Director, thinking advertising is like grocery shopping.

10
Please add red packets and firecrackers to the ad. It WILL help to convince more balding men to try our product.

Client to Account Executive fighting over the rationale on adding festive elements in the ad in view of Chinese New Year approaching around the corner.

11
Are you still at work?

Client to Senior Account Executive, at 2 o’clock in the morning.

12
The entire campaign is ok, but not the wholly-painted bus.  I think you need to redo everything so that the bus also gels.

Client to Creative Director on his supposed praise of the proposed campaign.

13
Maybe its because of the shape of the banner.

Media Sales Representative to Art Director rationalizing on the technical difficulties encountered in submitting the ad materials.

14
Can you send me the JPEGS in Illustrator format?

Client to Account Director

15
Do you think people would know that this is after all, our brand advertising?

Client to Account Executive, over a logo enlarged the size of a train’s bulkhead (the ones you will find at the escalators)

16
Actually, you do have ample time to develop this campaign. You just need to work in 24-hours format.

Account Executive to Creative Team before he was promptly slaughtered and served to the Creative Director for dinner.

17
Can you add the words “ROLL-OVER HERE” so that consumers would know that our buttons will change in color upon roll-over?

Client to Account Director, trying to be too helpful.

18
Please provide actual size mock-up for presentation purposes.

Business Development Director to Art Director, about a 90×50 metres billboard poster to be proposed to the Client.

19
What is the Agency’s recommendation? Which will you pick?

Client to Group Account Director, on the one and only idea proposed.

20
What is the gender of the birds?

Client to Account Manager, about the birds used as a backdrop in a property ad.

Thats what I have for now… If you’ve got more, feel free to share it with me. No names to be mentioned though. It’s for the sake of your career. Any mention of names will be promptly removed.

What time is it?

Finally a clock that answers the question. Meet Art Lebedev’s latest creation: the first clock that writes time in a humane way. It speaks to you in 5 different languages: English, German, Spanish, French and Russian. You can even upload any other languages… Although I’m not sure if Hokkien will be recognised.

Price until September 1st is at US$158.25.
Price after September 1st is at US$183.12.

Pre-order here.

Run with Me – The final product

I hope you like it as much as I do. Tell me what you think, both the good and bad. Work-in-progress report can be found here.

Run with Me

You are only as good as your last painting.

I hold this aphorism very closely to my heart. People are not going to remember what I did last decade, last month, last week, or even yesterday. They will only remember what I’ve done, only just. That’s just human nature.

Which is why I’m pretty nervous about your comments towards this painting. Of all times to attempt dry watercolor technique (one of which I have not attempted since I was 9 years old), I have to choose this painting. My first painting. Tell me I’m not stupid.

I have been meaning to paint for a while now, but haven’t quite got to it. Today was special. I suppose I just feel I needed to paint again.

I feel the world closing in on me again. It is a peculiar feeling I can’t quite explain. I am happy, don’t get me wrong. Hell, what’s there not to be happy about with what I have right now? I just feel a little jaded. I suppose too much Johnnie Walker does that to you. I want to run away. Would you run with me?

Excuse my lack of a decent creative rationale behind this inaugural art piece for the year; the last time I wrote one for my paintings, I was still wearing a secondary school uniform. Thought I’d leave you with this self-penned poem instead.

A tear
The lack of happiness
Of the betrayal of such
The addiction to comfort
Or when love becomes too much

A smile
The result of sweat
Of the expression of relief
The act of pretense
Or when memory fails to retrieve

A cry
The submission to desperation
Or the denial against reality
The refusal to accept
Or when the eyes start to bleed

A laugh
The engineered victory
Of the manufactured sin
The survival against all odds
Or when evil creeps from within

Run with me now
Before they awake
Run with me now
I’ll take you to another place

Run with me now
Before our heroes die
Run with me now
Happiness, perhaps we shall find

The final piece will be posted by end-tomorrow. My scanner broke down since 2 years back, and I’ve been relying on my digital and phone cameras to take lousy low-resolution shots. As such, I’d need to sneak in earlier to the office to scan the final piece properly.

Daddy, get me a scanner for my birthday ok? $200 can buy one liao. Thank you in advance. And no, I’m not shy.

Fabrics of Life

Memories fade. Even photographs do. But nothing can erase the good times we shared. Thank you everyone, for being part of my life.

Family Reunion Dinner Drinks at Club 95

Huat ah!

Andrew calms his little boy down…

Separated at birth

Centrefold Model

Pat + Joe

JJ gets generous

How many times must I say you can’t drink beer?

I (heart) you

I (heart) you too

We want to (heart) but cannot make it

Fuck it lah, let’s just not (heart)

Shu (heart) who?

You may remove that gun behind my back now…

What do you mean the cowboy hat is so last season?!

Wil Freeborn

Meet Wil Freeborn, an incredible artist who captures his everyday in his moleskine journal.

Supermarket Lesbians

It was a typical Friday night hanging out with close friends at our favourite bar, Club 95, along Club Street. Drowning in the endless river of alcohol, inhaling long drags of mentholated cigarettes, feasting in the usual lesbian gossips, our conversation moved on to a friend’s label.

Label (ley-buh) – noun

• A word or phrase indicating that what follows belongs in a particular category or classification: The following definition has the label “Archit.”

  Source: Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1), Based on the Random House Unabridge Dictionary, Random House, Inc. 2006.

The discussion we had was on her label as a lesbian. With delicately waxed short locks and understated casual wear on most days, we were surprised to hear of her declaration as a Femme and not Andro. If you’re confused of the lesbian labels I’m spewing by now, I don’t blame you. About 5 years ago, when I was this unthawed lesbian-in-making, I was running in circles trying to figure out the definitions of this lesbian menu of labels thrown upon me. I even wrote about it on my old blog (yes, I was blogging way before blogging was even considered a proper word in the dictionary!). Considering how marinated I am in the lesbian scene by now, I suppose the practice of labeling doesn’t faze me anymore.

Lesbian labeling felt like grocery shopping in a supermarket where every product is systematically categorized and sometimes, even on special offer. It’s still the same. Chances are, it will stay this way for as long as humans (straight or gay) recognize the convenience of classification. As a young, immature and arrogant teenager (ok fine, I’m still arrogant), I used to get pretty agitated when someone asks, “What’s your label?”. Often, I’d slap them back with a nonchalant “I don’t do labels, I’m not a supermarket product like most girls.”. The truth is, I never felt it mattered at all. If I fall in love with someone, it just happens. I don’t need a reason; I don’t need a list of criterion at all. Be it a guy or a girl, Butch or Femme, fat or skinny, I honestly don’t care. And I still feel strongly about that today. If Cupid hits me, Cupid hits me. Too bad.

These days, I’m a little bit kinder to people who ask for my label. It’s either “I’m like the US economy. Free trade for all.” or “Yohji Yamamoto.”, depending if I’m feeling cheeky or not.

Just for my beloved heterosexual readers, here’s our lesbian menu of labels often used in Singapore.

1. Pure Lesbian (often referred as PL or Femme)
While the origins of the ridiculous term “Pure” remains unknown, Pure Lesbian generally refers to a feminine-looking woman who prefers another feminine-looking one. Sexual responsibilities are equally distributed. You fuck me, I fuck you back.

2. Passive Lesbian
You know those dainty sweet chicks you see on the train with their arms wrapped around their fat, butchy girlfriends? There, those are Passive Lesbians. They are attracted to Actives, Andros and Butches (see definition below) and often look like they should belong to a Taiwanese girl band considering their high-pitch voices. How do you differentiate between a Pure Lesbian and a Passive Lesbian? Check their fingernails. Passive Lesbians have well-manicured nails. Assuming that the Pure Lesbian has an active sex life, she would probably have nicely trimmed short nails. Fucking with long nails is a federal offence. Passive Lesbians are mostly involved in a one-way sexual relationship where the other half does all the work. Not that they’re lazy though, its usually a preference imposed by the Active, Andro, or Butch.

3. Active (often referred as Andro; an extraction from the description, “Androgynous)
The big brother you wish you had that comes with a pair of tits. The greatest obsession most Actives have would be their crowning glory. Their hair (on their heads, just to be clear) is their thing, so don’t even go near. It’s a little unfortunate that being Singaporeans, the lack of originality in hairstyles has caused most Actives to look alike. The David Beckham Mohawk hairdo is a classic example. And oh, Actives do not bind. And are willing to work on a two-way street sexually with their Passive Lesbian girlfriends, unlike Butches.

4. Butches
Some of the Butches are so masculine-looking, they get slapped across the face when they visit the little girl’s room. Butches generally bind their boobs by means of using tummy tuckers. Yes, the same one your mum uses to conceal that lumpy I-have-4-kids physical evidence. Granted the tropical weather in Singapore, I wonder how they survive under all that heat. Hmm. I’m not sure if I’m being over judgmental here, but I find the specie of Butches depleting pretty fast in Singapore. They’re almost close to extinction. Which seriously, I’m not complaining. Binding your boobs are plain unhealthy. You may shoot me for this following statement, but I have no patience to deal with the insecurities of a Butch (i.e. Why are you meeting that guy for coffee? Who is that person texting you? Oh I have so many girls who adore me!). More importantly, I cannot imagine a one-way sexual relationship lastly longer than 24 hours. Then again, I don’t know if I want to see a Butch naked at all. Urgh. It’s like seeing Roseanne Barr naked.

The curious virgin lesbian I was, I ended up trying out all 4 lesbian products available in the supermarket. While I have officially developed an allergy for Butches, I don’t mind the remaining 3. If you have free samples to offer, please do let me know. Haha.

Angela, this article is dedicated to you. Be positive always.

Stupid Driver

A car I saw parked at my offices’ carpark this afternoon.

How the hell he or she even passed his or her driving examination is beyond my comprehension.

Bloody Hell

Period. That irksome reminder that comes once a month, sometimes twice, which reaffirms God’s gender biasness. Why the hell are we women the ones who hold the eggs? Why are we the ones who need to ovulate every month while men get to shoot a million sperm like a Super Soaker gun? Why do they get all the fun huh? I guess that’s why they have to do National Service in Singapore to justify the inequality.

Menstruation is particularly cruel on a lesbian, don’t you think? What was God thinking? First, he creates lesbians with a disability to love cocks, then he/ she decides that they should have the ability to get pregnant anyway. What does he/ she expects anyway? Finger babies?

As you can probably tell by now, I’m not exactly in the best of moods. This is not an excuse. It’s a fact. Menstruation causes a woman’s hormones to go haywire. They get moody. They get irritable over the slightest things.

Like that stupid lady hitting the elevator button repeatedly.

The elevator isn’t going come down any faster just because you keep hitting the button! What are you? Fucking stupid? I felt the urge to scream at that peabrain. She should thank her lucky stars that I was not quite in the right state to pick a fight with her. I was having severe cramps and all that bleeding was draining my energy out.

Now that I’m bleeding less, and my energy’s almost back to full speed, I thought I should indulge in a little bitching. What are the things that annoy you? I’d probably need a year to share mine with you, but here’s a modest 5 for a start. Says who I’m not kind?

1. Fat people sitting next to me on the train
Have you encountered thigh burns no thanks to the fat person generating such 40º C degrees heat sitting next to you? Look, I don’t give a damn about you being fat, but I do mind having your corpulent, sizzling thighs rubbing against mine ok? I didn’t pay for my train ride to ask for my thighs to be cooked well done along the way. If you’re fat, and you occupy beyond one seat, then seriously, I think you should stand.

This statement of course, is not applicable to the elderly, handicapped (being obese does not make you handicapped by the way) and pregnant (being pregnant and fat damn poor thing, I understand).

2. Hi M’am, do you need a cab now?
No, I called you for fun. Phone operators should really change the opening line in the script.

3. Fake accents that make my pubes stand
Yes, so ¼ of us are foreigners. Yes, so we have a myriad of American and British TV channels on cable. Yes, we are a really cosmopolitan country who even needs an annual campaign to promote the importance of speaking good English. Then again, I think we’ve gotten so good with that campaign we now have to promote speaking good Chinese so as to balance it off a little.

Anyway.

I have absolutely no issues with a local co-switching his or her accent when speaking to a foreigner. Then again, truth be told, we tend to co-switch our accents according to the recipient’s skin pigmentation, don’t we? I don’t see any of us attempting to sound like an American whilst ordering the Bangladesh cleaner to clean our table at the food court! He’s lucky if we even talk to him in the first place.

The point is, unless you can pull off the fake accent both convincingly, and consistently, please, for crying out loud, don’t make a bloody fool of yourself. Do you have any idea how awful you sound when you say “I donch no wat you saying.”? Master your English before you put on that bloody accent.

Then you can start cooking up a story about where you got your accent from.

4. Pick-up lines
First of all, if you even need to use one, it’s sad. Secondly, “Can I get your number?” has expired since 1960s. Thirdly, sending your friend over to get a lady’s number is cowardice at its highest order.

5. Bad customer service
I should write a separate article on this, considering how particular I am about good customer service. I was waiting tables at the tender age of 14, and had 3 jobs in the F&B industry so don’t even assume I don’t know how it feels to be on the other side of the fence. I know.

It is not in the inherent nature of Singaporeans to be polite. Instead of “May I please have a plate of chicken rice?”, we say “Chicken rice, no breast meat.” It gets demoralizing, no doubt. I used to pour a little sarcasm on each customer who fails to say ‘thank you’ with a ‘You’re welcome’ acknowledgement of order. One idiot even said “But I didn’t say ‘thank you’”. I replied. “It’s ok. I prefer to be polite.”

Broadly speaking, Singaporeans do make bad customers. But so long as I’m the customer paying that 10% service charge, I do expect service that actually exists. I had a few run-ins with bad service staff, but let’s leave that for another day.

So, what are the things that annoy you?

Hello Straight/Gay Woman

… ok.