I’m watching Multiple Personalities Disorder, written by ohsobrilliant Mr. Miyagi (have you met his wife? HOTTTTT!), this Sunday with JJ at Drama Centre.
Where the hell is Drama Centre?
I’m honestly not geographically handicapped, but seriously, where the hell is Drama Centre? I msn-ed a friend of mine and her reply was abso-fucking-lutely classic. She said…
Wherever lesbians are.
It was about 2 years ago when I found myself at Intro Bar, surrounded by various copywriters and art directors from my previous Agency, toasting with such splendor and spectacular fêtes of Moët & Chandon. An iPod Shuffle was presented to me, which laid beneath a delicately wrapped champagne colored box.
No, they were not celebrating my departure from the Agency. On the contrary, they were celebrating my birthday. They had bothered to organize a surprise birthday party for me, in spite of all the pain and late nights I have put them thru.
It was at that significant point of my life when I first felt I was doing something right as a Suit. Not only was I not murdered by my platoon of copywriters and art director yet, they actually celebrated another year of my existence. The iPod Shuffle, which remains my daily companion as I commute to work, felt like a medal of recognition. It was my version of a Gold Clio Award.
As a Suit, you will run into conflicts with your copywriter or art director. Not always, but often enough to make you wonder how were you unlucky enough to be married to such a bastard. He or she is probably thinking the same thing too. Fact is, we have a love-hate relationship from Day One. Like the relationship our parents have.
How do you make your relationship with your Creatives work, and continue fucking like crazy bunnies happily ever after? Well I have a list of suggestions that may help keep you coming every night. Please note that the judgments made on made Creatives below are purely general and hypothetical. Bitch back if you disagree.
Suggestion 1: Know the size of their goods and how they fuck.
When you’re first introduced to your copywriter or art director, make the effort to unravel what’s beneath his or her clothes. Is he known to be great with big ideas but horrible with little details? Is she a famous award-winning art director with a matching inflated ego? It helps to know the size of your lover’s goods. It will aid you in the manner of which you manage him or her.
To cite an example, I have had a former Executive Creative Director (ECD) who could develop jaw-dropping concepts within hours but yet, found it difficult to even spell the Client’s brand correctly. What did I do? I invited a junior copywriter for a ménage trios to proofread everything the ECD wrote.
Suggestion 2: Be his/ her mother.
Creatives are kids at heart, says my former Group Account Director. I cannot agree more. This is not a bad thing. Suits are too pragmatic to retain any of their once-vivid imagination and this is one key characteristic that all Creatives worthy of their salaries managed to keep within their souls. And I’d like to think that this is very much related to the fact that they are kids at heart. While you milk their imagination for what its worth, as his or her mother, you need to be mindful of the following:
a. Deadlines
- Your kid will not do his or her homework unless you remind him or her
b. Allergy to Rules
- Creatives are allergic to rules. Sadly, there are some which need to be imposed – like corporate guidelines for example. If a 500-word legal disclaimers need to be included in an advertisement, it needs to be included in the advertisement regardless of how ugly it looks. If your kid’s gonna have a bad reaction against such a rule, serve him or her a chilled beer as medication. That usually helps. Or whiskey on the rocks, whatever’s up their alley.
c. Live with the pranks and create some of your own
- I was once in the midst of writing a creative brief one late night when my dear Creative Group Head decided to pull the power plug off. Admittedly, it is funny now when I mention it, but at that point, I was on the verge of strangling him for his silly prank. No, I didn’t save my document. And yes, I had to bloody re-write everything. While I was re-writing my brief, he decided to rewire all the Suits’ telephone lines so that Clients would be calling the wrong person the next morning. I thought that was funny. Hehehe. Creatives are born pranksters. Learn to live with it; it can lighten up your mood a lot. Unless of course, if they do get too far, I’d recommend this as payback:
Collaborate with Studio to create a fake Final Artwork (FA) that has either the headline with a misspelling or major alignment error (i.e. the second copy line runs out of the ad space), depending on who you intend to sabotage – the writer or the art director. Put on your Oscar® winning performance and present the fake FA to them, telling them of the mistake they’ve made which will cost the Agency thousands for compensation. Watch them snivel.
Suggestion 3: Have angry sex.
Good Creatives who are passionate about their work will have high emotions regarding it. As such, they tend to fight with you when you attempt to bastardise their concept into something it shouldn’t be. I agree they can get over-dramatic (God, I’m asking to you to include a blurb that says “NEW!” in the ad, not tattooed on your forehead!) but give me a Creative who takes pride in his or her work over one who simply takes orders. The latter should be in the Studio department. Yes, I will get killed for this statement.
Suggestion 4: Dress to seduce.
A vast majority of Suits are females. Females have tits. A healthy percentage of Creatives are males. Males have 2 heads. Do I really need to elaborate on this? Feminists can sue me for all I care, but your appearance does help in your relationship with your Creatives. I’m not asking you to bury their heads into your tits, I’m asking you to provide a little subliminal encouragement. Flirt, show a little affection, and use your brain as your best fashion accessory. It would go a long way.
Please note that Suggestion 4 is only applicable to women who are at least average looking (do a dipstick survey would you?) and above. If you’re fat, ugly, or above 50 years old, DO NOT EVEN TRY. It’s illegal.
Suggestion 5: Don’t try to take his/ her role.
Ironically, while most Creatives won’t bother to attempt to play Account Executive, plenty of Account Executives will attempt to play copywriter and/ or art director. I am as guilty as charged. At times when you think your copywriter/ art director is struggling to meet the requirements of the brief, and you feel the need to offer your 2 cents’ worth, start off your ideas with a simple header in your brief:
Simple, isn’t it? Don’t hurt their egos, it’d come back and hurt you instead.
Suggestion 6: Swallow. Spit out sometimes.
In my previous Agency which is rather creative-lead, I had 10 changes listed on my progressive brief, of which 8 were rejected for their subjective nature. Go fight with the Client, they ordered. And I did.
In the same Agency, the ECD scribbled, “this brief sucks” on a brief I wrote albeit approving for changes to be proceeded with. I went up to him and told him in his face, “The brief doesn’t suck. I was clear in the requirements. The fundamental purpose of this ad is to drive sales by means of being tactical. While I agree it is hardly mind stimulating, I don’t agree I wrote a “sucky” brief.” I left him speechless by my audacity and walked off.
I strongly believe that it is our jobs to defend our creative properties. Our creativity is our product. We need to defend it in order to keep our product in demand with the Client. On the other hand, I don’t swallow immature and mindless attitudes ejaculated by insecure dickheads. They don’t taste good.
Suggestion 7: Do not fake an orgasm.
If your Creatives aren’t performing, please do them a favour and don’t lie with orchestrated moans and an eventual fake orgasm. At times, after fucking all day with other Suits (you don’t expect to be the only lover, do you?!), their libido can reach a hiatus and unfortunately, we have yet to invent a blue pill for creativity erection. If you know that their concepts will not fly with the Client, be constructive and tell them the truth. Let them restore their energy a bit and come back to you with better concepts. DO NOT sell what you do not believe in. Maintain that dignity.
No, darling, this isn’t P.Diddy’s latest fashion accessory (then again, who knows?). Meet FU*K LIMITED, a new limited edition design for Jimmyjane’s little something range of vibrators. Jimmyjane and CITIZEN:Citizen collaborated to create this gorgeous permanently-hard-and-don’t-snore schlong that is available in both 24k gold and stainless steel.
Can you imagine the following conversation:
Vagina 1: Oh god, the dick inside me last night felt so good! Ohhh, I felt like I struck gold!
Vagina 2: Big deal. I had real gold in me. And his brother joined in too, and trust me, he was made of steel.
I believe that all women, straight or gay, should have at least one vibrator on hand (note to stupid people: I don’t mean literally). Historically, the electric vibrator was invented after the toaster and before the electric vacuum cleaner in 1906. While the actual inventor remains debatable even to present day, we know for a fact that women’s pleasure was deemed more important than a clean house, right after breakfast, of course. Never exercise on an empty stomach, right?
Regrettably, back in those days where women could tie plaits with their armpit hair, the vibrator was used as a labor-saving device to aid doctors in providing “hysterical paroxysm”, known to us as an orgasm, to (get this) combat hysteria.
So let me get this straight; if a woman goes hysterical because she catches her boyfriend fucking another girl in bed, the medically-proven solution in calming her down is to fuck her as well until she comes? Wow. Now why didn’t I go into med school instead?
Anyway, back to my advocating on the importance of a vibrator for a woman. Here are 10 decent reasons why:
1. Any size you want.
2. Any color you want.
3. Doesn’t stop until you come.
4. Doesn’t snore after you come.
5. Doesn’t squirt a million nasty, sticky, youknowwhat.
6. You can pick your nose, watch TV, talk on the phone with your girlfriend about shopping, and use it hassle-free!
7. Cures headaches! Massage your head with it!
8. Have you met the Rabbit?
9. No morning pills required.
10. Always hard.
FU*K LIMITED cost USD375 and USD275 each for the 24k gold and stainless steel variant respectively, and has a limited quantity of 500 units each. Ok, here comes the princess-y moment:
I want one 24k gold vibrator for my birthday – in 8 months and 6 days’ time, so save up NOW! It’d cost you only USD1.50 a day until my birthday! That’s not a lot of money to give your beloved friend Pat eternal happiness that throbs from within (I’m sorry, I can’t help the pun)! I’ll provide my own batteries! Fill me up with gold!
I cannot believe I just said that, but I did. What can I say, I honestly do want a gold, dancing dick. And like the rest of my toys, I will bless it with a name. I think I’d call it Alexander.
I contemplated with great apprehension on publicizing my obiter dicta on Advertising for rookies for my diminutive amount of experience warrants little respect from the arrogant, know-it-all fresh graduate. More importantly, this self-indulgent act of egoism will invite endless, vicious whothefuckdoyouthinkyouare comments from players of my industry.
I’m no Leo Burnett, Jay Chiat or David Ogilvy. Hell, I’m not even dead yet to get away with a lousy article. So why bother? Well, here’s my humble disclaimer: I have more recent experience as a rookie than anyone else more senior, and frankly, have the mighty likes of David Ogilvy touched the dirty groundwork in the last decade or so?
So there you go, my justification for my obiter dicta below. Love it, loathe it, do drop a comment anyway.
What is a Suit?
Before we begin, you should know the definition of your role as a Suit. Otherwise known as the Account Executive or Account Handler, a Suit is a person who manages clients’ brand (or brands). Why are we then called Suits? I didn’t manage to google the reason why, but my art director friend Ron, read in some advertising book that its because we are the ones who have to dress up to meet clients.
Some Suits act like overpriced courier service, where as some, thank god, act like brand consultants. I liken myself to the tennis ball in a match between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal. They can’t play without me, but they sure as hell ain’t gonna thank Pat the tennis ball when either of them win the match. That’s how it works as a Suit, as demoralizing as it sounds. If your campaign proposal looks fantastic, the Client congratulates your Creative Team. If your campaign proposal looks like shit, your Creative Team will blame you for not being a good salesman. Basically, you’re fucked both ways.
But remember, Federer and Nadal can’t play without you.
1. Your degree is just a piece of paper.
So you graduated summa cum laude from Wharton. Woo-hoo. Bravo. Someone seam in the Applause sound effect here please. Unfortunately for you, your starting pay in Advertising is going to be just as high as the supposedly inadequate diploma graduate – me. Fact of the matter is, neither your Boss, Client nor Creatives are going to judge you based on your academic results. What matters is how you apply your knowledge in your work. And trust me, if your Client changes the brief at the eleventh hour, your ability to cite marketing jargons from Kotler does not count as an explanation to the Creatives.
One of your key performance indicators is, broadly speaking, based on how you apply common sense to your work. They didn’t teach you much on common sense in school, did they? The phrase itself is ironic for I sometimes don’t see much of common sense floating about in the office. Perhaps they should call it “unique sense”. Hmm.
Anyway, eat the humble pie and realize that your career advancement is affected by 2 predominant factors; your working experience and your reputation in the industry. Tuck that summa cum laude certificate under your bed and find your common sense.
2. You are what you wear.
There are certain liberties in terms of dress code in Advertising (unless of course, you happen to be in a Japanese advertising firm like Dentsu or something). Take advantage of it, and unleash a little creativity in you. Don’t dress like a 40-year-old-virgin-who-works-as-a-bank-teller-for-the-last-10-years. Then again, don’t dress like a prostitute too. Someone in my previous Agency did, and the security guard in the office building was so concerned he cautioned the Office Manager about “a prostitute loitering at the Agency”.
3. Do tell the truth. Just distort it a little.
If your boss says “This headline is shit, tell the copywriter to give me another option!”, you say to the copywriter “Can you please provide us with an additional headline option so that the comparison allows us to sell one better to the Client?”.
And if your copywriter says “Ask your boss to tell me what she wants, after all, I’m just a bloody typist.”, you say to your boss “The copywriter would appreciate if you can provide him with some copy points so that he understands what you have in mind clearer.”. Get it? It doesn’t hurt anyone, it gets the bloody job done, and yes, I’m speaking from experience.
4. Love your wives/ husbands.
You are the main liaison between various parties – the Boss, the Client, the Creative, the Studio, the Traffic and the Production Departments. They are your newfound wives/ husbands in this pre-arranged marriage, whether you like it or not. Understand them well, manage them (in case you haven’t realize by now, THAT is your job), and love them all as equally possible. By the end of your first month in Advertising, you will feel like a prostitute. And if you somehow still enjoy your job like I do, then bravo, you’re likely to stay on.
5. Be an Alcoholic and Smoker.
Bad and expensive vices, I know, but these vices are wonderful bonding opportunities for you and your wives/ husbands. Get to know your wives/ husbands better. It was after all a pre-arranged marriage, was it not? You will notice the difference in bonding and the lack-off when you run to your art director drenched in nervous sweat whilst trying to figure out how to tell her that her weekend has been sacrificed in the name of a last-minute photo shoot.
6. Ask questions like an Idiot so that you won’t be one.
As a rookie, no one’s expecting you to know everything, so stop acting like an idiot and sound like one instead. I asked the dumbest of all questions when I was first starting out. The overdose of abbreviations used in Advertising doesn’t help the confused state you’ll be in, but here’s some definitions to help you out:
a. ATR: Agency to Revert
- Pegged next to a deadline that seldom gets met
b. CTR: Client to Revert
- Pegged next to a deadline you should be chasing the Client for
c. C/L: Copy and Layout
- The stage where your copywriter and art director combine their mighty forces to hatch brilliant or horrible ideas
d. FA: Final Artwork
- The stage where the C/L finally gets approved after 20 rounds of changes and the Studio takes over to adjust into various deliverables required such as Press Ad, Brochure, Poster, etc.
e. ATL: Above-the-Line
- All forms of communication on medium such as Newspapers, Magazines, TVC, etc
f. BTL: Below-the-Line
- All forms of communication, seldom involving any media buys, such as Brochures, Leaflets, Posters, etc.
g. C (as in “4C x 2C”): Color
- Used in BTL jobs to advise on the colors used for production purposes
h. FPFC: Full Page Full Color
- A single-page magazine ad in full color
i. DPSFC: Double Page Spread Full Color
- A double-page magazine ad in full color
j. PPM: Pre-pro Meeting
- A meeting held prior to a photo shoot or TV shoot between the Agency and its Suppliers (photographer, director, makeup artist, stylist, etc)
7. Embrace pain.
Being situated at the end of the food chain, you will be preyed upon like a harmless amoeba and dumped with endless work. View them as opportunities to demonstrate to your boss of your worth. Embrace pain. I don’t mean to sound like the damn Government trying to advocate why the increase in taxes is somewhat good for the country (nevermind that half a million was spent renaming a place which ended up retaining its original name anyway), but truth be told, my addiction to pain has lead me to where I am today.
8. Don’t take it personally, but…
Ad people are born bitchy. It is in our DNA. If you’re fat, we’ll bitch. If you’re skinny, we’ll bitch too. If you were stupid enough to include Hokkien in your brief, damn right we’ll enlarge it to A3-size and paste it on the company’s bulletin board. The bitchiness can get ugly, but in most cases, no one takes anyone seriously. Lighten up a little and go with the flow. And if you are unfortunate enough to be stabbed in the back, oh well, I will post another entry another time for that.
9. Lose the battle, win the war.
If the Client wants the logo to be enlarged by 10% (a very common request amongst most local clients for some strange reason), and has already approved the overall concept, just bloody do it. And feel free to tell your Creative Team the same thing. Tolerate genius, like Ogilvy has said, but don’t bite the hand that feeds you. You need the money. Your Creative Team needs the money too.
10. Try not to shit in your own backyard.
I personally would jump at the opportunity to indulge in some hot, steamy sex in my own office, but I cannot bring myself to do so with any colleague. I know of some relationships that survived the raging gossip firing out of our mouths, but I also know of some that turned sour. Really sour. Like a woman’s juices after drinking way too much Sumatra coffee. Some people will kiss and tell. And for that, my legs remain closed.
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